Vicky Zhuang Yi-Yin
I know you’re around, and I sat down to think about what could happen if I let you win. You know, after hearing about one of my favorite singers pass away because of his fight with his demons, my only conclusion is this: you’re going to lose no matter what.
If I fight you, which I will and I do, I know that every battle will be a struggle but at the end of it, it is I, who will let myself win or lose. Every day, when I think about getting up and getting into that daily rut of my everyday life, about facing things that I really don’t want to do or meet people I don’t want to meet, or struggle through some issues and even some non-issues, I know that it’s always going to be a difficult choice to make – to beat you.
You sound so easy. Sometimes too easy…
I know I have tried to choke myself once, overdosed on pills twice or thrice and pressed my foot down on the accelerator and let go of the steering wheel quite a few times on the road. I know that I have thought about what it would feel like if my body hit the ground when I stand at the edge of a rooftop, two or three stories high. I know I have thought of what life would be like if I just wasn’t around. I know I have thought about how lonely I am, even when I’m around friends, or how people probably don’t like me even when I’m around people who mean a lot to me. I know that I have thought of how lonely I am even when I am around people who look like me, or think like me or do things like me, because they just were not me. I know that I’ve thought about what a shit I am because I give myself to people who really in all honesty didn’t or don’t give a shit about what I feel. I know I always thought of myself as easily replaceable with the flip of a switch. I know that when I am around people I care about, I lose interest, and I stare at my phone, looking for an excuse to play Sudoku, or Marvel Future Fight or Boom Beach, just so I stop listening to what everyone has to say because, I think I probably am not doing as well as they are, or because I feel like my life isn’t that interesting for them to know what’s going on, or that they don’t care about what’s happening in my life. I know that there are so many things that I want to do, that I cannot do right now, and that frustrates me to the point of giving up. I know you’ve whispered many times, that it was better if I had ended everything.
Because, it is that easy.
But you know what? You’re going to lose no matter what.
You feed on my frustration. You feed on my apprehensions. You feed on my endless tears. You feed through my struggles. You eat me alive.
But you’re going to lose no matter what.
You tell me that I’m not worth it. You tell me that I cannot do anything. You tell me that I am nothing but a waste of space. A useless scrap piece of human designed to only exist and then die. Unimportant. Inconsequential. Pathetic. Forgettable…
But you’re going to lose no matter what.
The answer is simple, because if you beat me into submission, and I go down, you will go down with me. The battle is on. The choice to beat you every day seems difficult, but when I wake up every morning, thinking about what I have to do, who I have to face, why I have to keep walking, how I’m going to do it, I feel that as long as I keep winning, we both get what we want, to keep fighting each other. Once you drag me down, you’ll begone too. Once you bring me down, you’ll end too.
You live inside me. There’s nowhere else for you to go. So while I live with you tugging at my confidence, killing me slowly, I fight knowing that if I go. You. Go. Too.
Your Friendly Neighbor
I wrote this piece a long time ago, back around the time when Chester Bennington passed away. So many of the references are from that time. I still play Sudoku, but now I don't play Marvel Future Fight and Boom Beach. I don't know how this piece makes you feel, so if you have read this, and you want to say anything, please feel free to leave a comment, a message or an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. I'd still reiterate that I am fine. Because if I go, these demons go too.